The Walk to Work

I pretty much have to go to Harvard now because the whole school and everybody I know here now knows I want to go to Harvard or Columbia.

I've been telling people freely that it's my dream, so I guess that shows I'm not really scared about whether or not I can make it happen. You hear so many stories about people trying to keep things like their driver's test a secret because they don't want to jinx it or have to tell people they didn't make it after all is said and done...but that's never been the case with me. Even with JET. I had no back-up. I told everyone.

I think this says something about me. Maybe that's a sign of confidence? I'm a little proud of what it says - not just that is shows that I don't feel ashamed of telling people my dreams - but also that I don't think I actually DO have to worry about getting in. Not that I'm too special, I just think I'm smart about getting what I want. I'll do what I need to do to be good enough.

See you among the bricks and wrought iron gates, Professor Sebenius!

Things I'm looking forward to:

English. All bathroom tools in one room. Public faucets with hot water, regular faucets where the hot water is hot and the cold water is cold - none of this scalding to freezing BS out of the same tap setting depending on how the faucet feels. Bottomless cups of coffee with my parents. Cycling with my bro. Having friends I can call just because I feel like it...and turkey lol

Oh, Japan. The only country where a sketchy mothertrucker can limp down an alley like a crack addict, lookin' all dicey, and still he is more afraid of me than I am of him.

I've said this many times before, but I think it's ridiculous that they call this "summer vacation." The kids still come to school until 1 o'clock every day, but they label the classes as part of "special course week," and suddenly it's summer vacation? These kids are getting screwed.

Anyway, there ARE still some indicators of summer vacation. The daily info white board is up, the teachers are around less, the clothing is more casual...and sensing these little changes makes me nostalgic. I think back to last year, when I'd cross my fingers that they'd let me out early, that no one would show up in my work circle so I'd get some privacy, or that some new project I could help with would crop up. Summer vacation is boring when you're the ALT sitting in the office alone, and yet also kind of fun because there's no expectations and a boatload of time to do personal or creative projects. I like the down time, and also the time to sit and chew the fat with teachers. It would have been even better this year on account of how close we've all become this year compared to last year.

And of course, I also remember the excitement of the summer of 2010 and that makes it even harder. I was just getting rolling in my new job as a leader in the ALT prefectural council. I was looking forward to meeting the new ALTs and to all the potential they bring with them. I was looking forward to my summer of outings. Hob-knobbing. Seeing the people I never get to see...and that won't happen this year. I'm already rejecting facebook invites to the August and September gatherings in Hokkaido and it hurts.

But, yes, I'm going home. I'm starting over and that's pretty exciting too. I'm going back to the people who loved me first - and probably more than my current people do besides.

Still, what I had at this time last year was golden. I remember all the train rides full of anticipation. The quiet reflection on how far I'd come and how I wanted it to last forever. All the close friendships I was making. It was the first time I was really in control of my life AND satisfied.

I will miss this.

But, shit, I'm too young for the regrets and bitter smile memories of an elderly woman. I will give myself a few weeks to feel this way after I've gone home, and then I expect to get back to that place. I did it once, against all odds, you bet your ass I can do it again.

I'm pretty sure, anyway.

Went with Batman Dad today to recycle the dryer and the television. Expensive, but I like to look at it like I'm doing it for the environment.

I always feel guilty when I show up somewhere and some tiny person runs up and says, "I'll carry it!" That happened when I was moving the TV. Granted, it wasn't so heavy, but it's like...I'm twice your size and I'm already carrying it, I know I'm the customer, but let me carry it!

Seeing my belongings standing in the corner of the junkyard was odd. Not sad, per se, but it was definitely another goodbye to a part of my apartment. How many times did I stare at that damn dryer while sitting on my sofa? It is kind of cute though, thinking that they're not going to a landfill, they're going to continue their journies to another place far, far, away. Just like me.

Being in an appliance cemetary was also interesting. Whenever I'm surrounded by broken machines and dirt it makes me feel very at home. Not that I'd choose to be there, or like I would want to put anything down on the ground while I'm there or anything. Really, the thing is, it reminds me of my dad. I guess there are better things to be associated with, I feel bad that he gets that - but still, that old machine shop was a part of his identity for a long time and even if I never felt *so* connected to the shop, myself, it feels like it's a part of me, too. Even if my dad was classier and less rough than an average grease monkey - even if I went to college, work in an office, and will probably get a Masters in Business - that kind of working life is where we came from.

Of course, I have a billion things to do...and I feel like doing absolutely nothing. I feel like I've earned this, but now that I've run out of time wasters I'm kind of bored. Cleaning, studying, and to-do listing has lost all of its novelty.

Furthermore, I am desperate for a little inspiration but totally don't know where to look. I can think of only a handful of things I want to do - none of them possible :(

I felt bad for canceling my dentist appoint for tomorrow without rescheduling (I don't have time to reschedule, plus I didn't need it, so that's how it goes). I feel good though that I had another conversation in Japanese without any mistakes or misunderstandings. So thank you for that, dentist office receptionist.

Now just 9 billion other things to cancel, like credit cards and utilities...awesome...

Today when Mindbloom froze on the (Loading: use this time to take a relaxing breath!) screen, do you think the universe was trying to tell me something?

I came in to work today and everything on my desk was rearranged. Maybe the cold meds had something to do with it, but it had an amazingly disorienting affect. My first response was, "Somebody took my GRE study book?" but it turned out it was just a foot to the left. Things on my desk have been the same for a good month and a half since the busy slide began. I had to stare at it for a second or two to figure out what was going on. I can only imagine someone bumped my book pile and the whole shit went tumbling down, knocking over everything else on the way.

But the take-home message is that looking at all my things rearranged was unsettling, especially knowing that I did not do it and would never do it that way. Actually, it took a minute or two of second-guessing myself to make sure I hadn't done it myself. That's how disoriented I was!

Note to self: if you really wanna mess with someone, start moving their things around.

Got stopped by the Poleeze yesterday. Musta thought I was ridin' dirty.

I don't know, for one it was raining and we had to stand out in the rain without umbrellas as they slowly looked at all of our foreigner registration cards and wrote down information for all three of us, and then asked us a ton of questions. They were nice enough about it, I guess. Smiling and stuff, but something about it was offensive. We were two blocks from our houses and we weren't doing a darn thing to raise attention. I have friends who've had this happen before, but they were at the airport or in sketchy places.

I'm glad I didn't leave my purse at home, I'd thought about it! Imagine the mess that would've turned into. I'm kind of surprised I haven't gotten stopped on my 11PM runs alone in the dark. They said they were surprised to see three foreign women walking at night. Is this more suspicious than one foreign woman? Or three foreign women walking during the day? I don't know.

They warned us about the abundance of perverts in this neighborhood at such a dark hour (almost 9PM). We were standing in front of my technical high school at the time though, and I wanted to tell them the perverts are only around the area from 8:45 to 3:10, Monday through Friday. Those are the ones they should be worried about.

At any rate, it gives me even stronger feelings against laws that make it okay to ask "foreign-looking people" to show their registration documents in the U.S. Racial profiling is never any good. Also, it makes a person feel dirty and unwelcome. Even if we could've just had a conversation about

Relatedly, I look forward to going back to the U.S. where people know things about me because they've spoken to me, not because they've looked at my face. Granted, they'll make other assumptions from looking at me, but at least none will be quite as baseless as the racial assumptions are.