May 30th, 2011

Sitting at my desk before class this morning, the chemistry teacher who sits kitty corner from me held up a book and asked if I'd seen it. It was a chemistry textbook explaining the periodic table of elements in Japanese - a lovely one full of pictures and great design, but I had no idea what she was getting at by asking me. The tone of her voice said, "There is a reason for this, I'm not just taking shots in the dark." Not having much experience with the periodic table, nor textbooks written entirely in Japanese, I was kind of confused. Not to mention, it was early in the morning and I hadn't had my coffee. Why would she be talking to me about it?

"Oh!...uh...What? No?" I managed to get out, not quite sure how to politely inquire about her point.

"Do you want to take a look at it?"

"Ok?...Uh, it's beautiful, all these photographs..." I made a stab at conversation.

"If you want to read it, don't worry about giving it back right away. No rush," and she excused herself to go to class.

And I am left in my chair, blindsided and dumbfounded holding a chemistry textbook. I mean, it was one of the most beautiful books I'd seen, black pages with white and silver writing, 10 or more fantastic high resolution photographs on each page. Absolutely stunning, certainly the kind of thing I'd pick up and look at if I saw it sitting out on a table. Still, if the cooking teacher, knowing I loved cooking, was showing me her textbook that would make sense, but chemistry?

After opening it up and poking around, I gathered that it was originally an English book that had been translated into Japanese. I figured that was probably why she was showing it to me, she wanted to know if I'd seen it before because it came from my country and maybe she didn't know whether or not it was famous. That made a little more sense. Now I was just left to worry about what "take your time," really meant. Would she be disappointed if I just glanced at it and put it back on her desk? Should I make a show of actually reading it and spending time with it?

And sure enough, when she got back I started up a conversation about it and she explained, "Well, it was from your country, so I thought you might like to see it, I dunno. This is my copy, but I'm putting one in the library as well."

This kind of thing happens to me a lot here. Part of the problem, I think, is people not knowing how to talk to non-native speakers of their language and not understanding how the little words they choose for making implications are often lost on new language learners. The other part of it is Japan's culture of people never explicitly sharing what they're thinking. But, shoot, wouldn't my life be easier if people explained these kinds of things up front? It would be so much easier to follow a train of thought. I sometimes feel like I'm walking into a trap when people start conversations so vaguely, knowing they have a point but me having no idea what it might be lol

May 30th, 2011 - Part 2

Riding my bike to school today and fluffing my hair in the breeze so it dried faster, I start thinking about how when I get home it'll be kind of nice not worry about what people think or who is using my behavior to judge all foreigners. In my opinion, whether my hair is dry or wet is my own business. If I had a business meeting I'd obviously come well-groomed but when I'm just sitting at my desk all day with nothing to do, I don't feel like I need to waste the 5-10 minutes it takes to polish my look before I leave the house. In Japan, however, I know people tend to turn their nose up at any flaw in presentation. Make up on, suit pressed, hair dry, and carrying the right kind of bag - all this should be done before leaving the house.

But that's just not me.

And even if it's all in my head, and I'm projecting rigidity and strictness on other people because of my own insecurities, at least at home I will know that if someone is judging me, it's because of their individual preference about a social norm, not because I'm making a faux pas. I can be confident in all of my decisions. And furthermore, sometimes I can just dismiss other people's judgments as rigidity and bitchiness. I think it will take a lot of my daily stress and pressure off, knowing what is "right" and knowing that I fully understand the set of expectations and standards I'm operating within...And maybe, most importantly, not having to deal with the guilt when I knowingly violate them! :)