May 19th, 2011

I'm in such a weird place.

I'm bored - my classes have been cancelled again for the sake of test preparation. I'm pretty much a month ahead in my work, which is pretty significant because I only have 2 months of work left.

I have plenty to do for my personal life, but don't feel like doing much of it. Maybe it's because most of it is administrative paperwork-ish stuff or involves LOADS of reading, while the rest is self-assigned tasks with very weak pay-off in the end.

I had some moments earlier in the week where I got *really* excited about graduate school, job searching, and food, but after a few doses of reality I've lost it. I can't be excited about food, because it's proven counter-productive to my diet success. As for the other things, I suspect I've read too much and ushered myself into a place of panic. I think I've overhyped my near future, thus overpreparing and turning it into something worthy of dread. Recently the tones of all my preparatory readings have changed from "this is how to do it," to rants about how hard it is to get a job and how specialized my credentials need to be. I'm starting to feel like even if I'm accepted to my ideal masters program, I still may not be qualified enough even after I've completed the degree. It sounds irrational, but my fear was corroborated by the advisor for the Negotiation and Dispute Resolution program at Columbia University herself. In a digital info session she stated that it's more about building on what you've got, not building from the ground up. Where will I be after such a degree, when all I've got to build on is Linguistics and Teaching English? Now I'm REALLY thankful I earned that Leadership minor at the last minute, but I still won't be qualifed as an ombudsman or a human resource specialist.

So all this encourages my sloth. I guess it's a good thing yosakoi has become mandatory. These days I've come to enjoy it once I'm there, and really the only way to break these feelings of melancholy is to get out and do things, but I still dread going. If it wasn't mandatory, I'd probably be missing a lot of practices.

In the immediate present, I know I could go downstairs and shoot the shit with the lunch lady or find a teacher or some kids to pester. I could go running with the gym teachers. I should go running with the gym teachers. I have all this time to kill and a couple of options but I don't do it? Why? I don't know, maybe it's just too much work having to speak Japanese and worry about interacting with other people. I hate feeling lonely and yet I keep coming back to reclusivity because being social is too exhausting and I don't see the point with only a few months left. I guess this proves I've disconnected!

Additionally, there's a shit ton of track and field and soccer going on behind the school as part of the prefecture-wide high school tournaments going on now. I could step out and watch that, and as an ALT I kind of feel like I should be supporting the students. But I haven't even felt like investigating it from the window, let alone going out and watching a game. Maybe if someone said, "hey let's go watch!" I'd go. But honestly I have zero interest in standing outside and watching some kids kick a ball. I should probably forgive myself for this, considering I couldn't care less about sports. No one will really care if I show up either, but the best reason of all for blowing it off is because watching sports in this place means awkwardly standing about by myself with no one to talk to, wondering if I look weird just standing there.

The suckiest thing about this is that I don't really know where it's coming from. For the last few days I've been horribly productive, I've finally gotten my health in order, the time is passing quickly, and I'm being moderately social. So what's my problem?

In general, I'm feeling a lot of "what's it all about?" Maybe it's because I feel so disconnected from people, both here and at home. I think I'm in need of a passionate encounter. Here I am living this crazy life of opportunity and absurdity and I still feel like an office monkey disallusioned by the ho-hum-drum. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, not overly passionate about anything or anyone. I need to shake thing up. But how do you shake things up in a life that's already too shakey?

May 19th, 2011 - Part 2

In spite of all the dreariness I've been sprewing, things have been pretty good, objectively. Yesterday was a great day of responsive, successful, classes. In fact, some of the classes started off with the energy of slugs, only to become energized and spunky masters of the present perfect continuous tense by the end of the 50 minutes! The fact that my less could wake up a group of students is really rewarding.

Also it was gorgeous outside, the warmest day of the year yet! After school I raced home and managed to clean every inch of public space in my house before my eikaiwa showed up. Usually I only get halfway done before I realize I've got just ten minutes left to finish, at which point I half ass the rest and end up embarrassed at the dirtiness of my house. This time, however, I finished it all. All of it, right down to scrubbing the walls! I don't even know how it happened.

I didn't have time to run before eikaiwa like I'd intended, but I ran after. When one of the members selfishly proclaimed she would show up 15 minutes after eikaiwa had ended, the other members stepped in on my behalf and told her they'd all go meet elsewhere so I could take my run. I did the full 5 miles in a decent time span and the air was comfortable and not cold. When I got home, I organized my life a bit, played with the ferret and still managed to get to bed at a decent time, even after doing a little reading.

Eikaiwa itself was good too. I introduced them to the wonder that is barbecue chicken pizza and it turned out fantastically and in a timely fashion. They were over the moon about it, as they should be because barbecue chicken pizza is amazing. The students also brought (mostly) healthy, fresh, and delicious springlike food to share, but I still managed to eat responsibly and without overeating.

When the topic of my departure came up, everyone had very sweet things to say. As worked up and frustrated as I get, I need to feel grounded by the fact that these people really will genuinely miss me. The sadness on their faces is because they actually like me and really look forward to our classes. They also KNOW I'm a good teacher and that my lessons are better crafted than probably anything they'll see again, especially anything free.

One woman went on to say that I was really smart and ambitious, but still polite, ladylike, and kind. I couldn't have crafted a better description for the person I always wanted to be, and the fact that she labeled me that way on her own really means a lot to me. She also said that before she met me she used to think Americans were mostly selfish people who act freely, without a care in the world. She was surprised how plan-oriented and dilligent I am. So here I am, getting praised AND dismantling stereotypes.

Of course I also got the, "You're so not American, you're more Japanese!" accusation. People always say things like that to me, they did it in Thailand too. "You don't move like an American, you move like a Thai woman. You don't have a Thai mother, do you?" People often seem to resort to the logic of, "You must be one of us instead of one of them!" I'm sure people in the States do it to foreigners too. It's a natural human impulse to justify stereotypes by insisting outliers are exceptions rather than proof of the stereotype's invalidity. I can take it as a compliment though, because I know what they really mean is "You are a good person and I like you!"

The deep conversation at last night's eikaiwa also gave me the chance to pseudo-apologize to them for the short temper I've had over the last year. I used to be a much more patient, kind, and warm person, but then stress, frustration, and cultural awkwardness turned me quite bitchy. I feel really bad about this change in me. Speaking of which, I hope to god it's not a personality trait that sticks with me when I get back home. I'm a little afraid it might be.

But the moral of the story is that I need to stop being so emo. I've done well here. People like me, I've made an impact, and I've learned a lot in return. I'm going through a hard time now, but I need to give more credit to the people around me and the impact they've made on my life.