March 31st, 2011

Yesterday was the day I'd kind of been dreading - the big yearly office cleaning and rearrangement. Everything gets dragged out into the hall, cleaned, and dragged back in so the teachers can switch desk locations. Why they insist on keeping their identical desks and chairs as "theirs" I'll never know. This would all be much easier if everyone just moved their drawers.

I particularly hate this day because it's as shitshow of people vigorously doing a million things at once while I run around trying to help. I always end up entirely useless as the outsider. What's worse is that my desk never moves, and yet it too must go out into the hall.

Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing even if it brings me a lot of anxiety. It feels good now to be organized and clean, things I would've never done otherwise. This time though, I got super lucky and since they had to wax the floor we left all the furniture out in the hall overnight, which meant I had no desk to work at, which by default meant only a HALF DAY of work! Those kinds of pleasant surprises never happen to me. WIN.

Once all the desks were moved out and people divided themselves between cleaning like mad and standing in corners doing nothing, I found myself nervously looking around for something to do. Overwhelmed and useless, as usual. BUT I was also standing next to the little old man biology teacher, who turned to me and was like, "This shizziz bananas. check it: baby axolotls. let's blow this joint." and I was like, "Hellz yah, mah nipponjin," and we peaced out early to the bio room to gawk at animals lol Well, the convo didn't go exactly like that, it was in Japanese and a little less thug, but that was the general attitude.

About a half hour later they announced on the loudspeaker that they'd finished, but I didn't feel bad because I was a lot more useful chatting up the bio club kids and doing my real job than standing in a corner with a bucket in my hand. I ended up staying a half hour later than I could've, but it was fun and I still got out by 1 o'clock.

I feel so good sitting in this clean office now that I wish I could do the same for a home, and one that mattered (my apartment does not matter enough, no one sees it and I'm leaving it soon). It'd be nice to make improvements to my parents house, or to have a home of my own to take care of.

Tomorrow is April 1st, I can't wait to change my calendar T_T Thank god March flew by.

My to-do list is dominated as well, like I've said already. So many of the things I'd meant to do for months are finally gone from it so it's spring cleaning all around. With these things accomplished, it's just a matter of riding out the week and wasting time. The omiyage train came to a crashing halt, too. I know it'll pick up again next week as people get back from spring vacations, but it's kind of nice this way, especially since I'm baking at home already.

On the heart pounding and nightmares, I developed the theory that maybe it has to do with running and eating too late at night, since I did start running (and post-run protein loading) about the same time last year too. In testing this theory, two nights ago I did neither and was fine, then last night I did both and was also fine. I dunno. We'll see. It makes more sense than sunshine cycles though.

I feel like a one trick pony these days, all the blog entries are on the same topics, but it's satisfying to me to write about them and it's what makes up my life right now so I'm going to do it anyway.

My life has been a consistent cycle of baking, cooking, and running. I can't say it's bad, though hidden inside it there's a certain anxiousness and sense of wanting more.

March 31st, 2011 - Part 2

This morning I went to take out my garbage on the way to work and encountered a little old man I'd never seen before. He was eyeing up the huge pile of non-burnable garbage outside of the already full trash cage. It's transfer week at school, so the teacher's housing trash cage is taxed with all types or trash, even if today is only officially for burnables.

I was already a little late and my gut dropped a little knowing there'd be no place to put my garbage yet I couldn't just drop it anywhere because he was watching. I could ignore him, who knows what kind of a person he would be and there's no rule in life saying who you HAVE TO talk to, but I'm older, wiser, and better than that.

"There's a lot here, huh?" I said to him.
"Yeaaaaah."
"Uhm...is it okay to just set it out here?"
"No, that's no good. But your garbage is okay, right? Just not these types."

I struggled, trying to put down my garbage bag for a second while balancing my bike between my knees. "Here," he said, taking my garbage from me, walking to the cage, and pushing things around without any fear of the pile of dirty bags. I was really impressed that, not only did he help me out, but that he was doing something I would not have even done for myself by digging around in the garbage to make room for the new bag. I certainly wouldn't have even thought to do it for someone else, let alone have actually done it.

I thanked him profusely and I could feel a changed warmth between us. I could tell that I'd passed his assessments as a "good youth," and he'd passed my assessments as a "generous and helpful old man." We both left feeling good about our exchange. Though we'd met only seconds before, we'd been relieved to learn that the unknowns we'd took a chance on were not the archetypical "cold foreigner without time or desire to do things properly," and the infamous "crotchety old man obsessing over garbage sorting."

Sometimes such ordinary things surrounded by such ordianry conversations really make a difference in the world. It was a simple encounter and nothing really happened, but having successfully navigated a stranger (and bonded with one!) is something I don't often get to do here.

March 31st, 2011 - Part 3

I've moved into a hungry-tired-cold coma sitting here at my desk. Still half an hour to lunch, though my lunch isn't so exciting anyway. Apparently, at some point in the last hour or two I've begun to feel a little sorry for myself.

I think I'm stuck in a shitty emotional place these days on account of my place in life. I don't want to be at work, it's tiresome and inhibiting. I'd like to be at home, but something is missing there too. Comparing my life to the lives of others, I think it makes sense that my problem comes from the fact that I have nobody to work hard for at home. If I had guests, keeping the house clean for them would be rewarding. Even cooking is hardly rewarding because it's only me who sees it and eats it, so what's the point in doing things well? Furthermore, I have no one to just enjoy down time with either. If I had a family here, making breakfast and sitting around together would also be satisfying. But alas, I have no company. I should've gotten a dog instead of a ferret.

I like days off and I need days to chill and do nothing, and yet sitting at home by myself really really bums me out. Thus, I schedule all this heinous stuff on top of each other and end up stressed and exhausted. It still seems like the best option though, so on I go, kicking life in the face.