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September 14th, 2011 - Part 2
A week ago I started a blog entry that went something like this...
Being back where I grew up, in my parents' house bored and unemployed in a small town it's hard not to feel like I'm all the way back where I started. Same problems, same frustrations, same fears. It all feels the same? Am I the same?
What's so terrifying about being the same?
It's awful to feel like after years of hard work and emotional growth (and struggle), you're still back at square one like none of it ever happened.
Then again, even if I'm dealing with the same problems, I have different answers. Actually, the distinction is that I HAVE answers at all. I spent the summer months between university years doing nothing and feeling uninspired and inexplicably anxious. Later, in the months before I went to Japan I was pretty much in the same boat but this time I recognized the root of the problems - I just didn't know how to fix them.
But no, things aren't really the same. They're different now. My thinking is different now. I may be in the same place but I HAVE grown and I HAVE learned and I've brought those things back with me. I know how to solve the problems now. I can self-soothe. If I'm feeling angsty I get out of the house. If I have nowhere to go, I run or walk the dog. If I'm tired of housework I apply for jobs. If I'm tired of sitting and applying for jobs, I make something with my hands. I have solutions now.
...That was last week though. This week has been harder as my phone calls to friends go unanswered and I never seem to get job interviews in spite of the amazement that is my resume. I can't start my life until I get to a new city and I can't get to a new city until I have a job. I'm stuck. This feeling of being stuck is a lot like before - even if I've learned how to get out and am doing everything in my power to do so, I'm still stuck. Even if I know how to make changes in my life, the changes aren't drastic enough. I guess maybe I still have a lot to learn.
I think when they say "reverse culture shock" it's a little misleading. It definitely exists, but I'm not shocked by the people, the country, or the culture as I was when I first went to Japan. Now I already understand all of that, the kicker though is that I am shocked by how hard it is to find where I fit into it all.
Being back where I grew up, in my parents' house bored and unemployed in a small town it's hard not to feel like I'm all the way back where I started. Same problems, same frustrations, same fears. It all feels the same? Am I the same?
What's so terrifying about being the same?
It's awful to feel like after years of hard work and emotional growth (and struggle), you're still back at square one like none of it ever happened.
Then again, even if I'm dealing with the same problems, I have different answers. Actually, the distinction is that I HAVE answers at all. I spent the summer months between university years doing nothing and feeling uninspired and inexplicably anxious. Later, in the months before I went to Japan I was pretty much in the same boat but this time I recognized the root of the problems - I just didn't know how to fix them.
But no, things aren't really the same. They're different now. My thinking is different now. I may be in the same place but I HAVE grown and I HAVE learned and I've brought those things back with me. I know how to solve the problems now. I can self-soothe. If I'm feeling angsty I get out of the house. If I have nowhere to go, I run or walk the dog. If I'm tired of housework I apply for jobs. If I'm tired of sitting and applying for jobs, I make something with my hands. I have solutions now.
...That was last week though. This week has been harder as my phone calls to friends go unanswered and I never seem to get job interviews in spite of the amazement that is my resume. I can't start my life until I get to a new city and I can't get to a new city until I have a job. I'm stuck. This feeling of being stuck is a lot like before - even if I've learned how to get out and am doing everything in my power to do so, I'm still stuck. Even if I know how to make changes in my life, the changes aren't drastic enough. I guess maybe I still have a lot to learn.
I think when they say "reverse culture shock" it's a little misleading. It definitely exists, but I'm not shocked by the people, the country, or the culture as I was when I first went to Japan. Now I already understand all of that, the kicker though is that I am shocked by how hard it is to find where I fit into it all.