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Sep. 14th, 2011
September 14th, 2011 - Part 2
Sep. 14th, 2011 09:55 pmA week ago I started a blog entry that went something like this...
Being back where I grew up, in my parents' house bored and unemployed in a small town it's hard not to feel like I'm all the way back where I started. Same problems, same frustrations, same fears. It all feels the same? Am I the same?
What's so terrifying about being the same?
It's awful to feel like after years of hard work and emotional growth (and struggle), you're still back at square one like none of it ever happened.
Then again, even if I'm dealing with the same problems, I have different answers. Actually, the distinction is that I HAVE answers at all. I spent the summer months between university years doing nothing and feeling uninspired and inexplicably anxious. Later, in the months before I went to Japan I was pretty much in the same boat but this time I recognized the root of the problems - I just didn't know how to fix them.
But no, things aren't really the same. They're different now. My thinking is different now. I may be in the same place but I HAVE grown and I HAVE learned and I've brought those things back with me. I know how to solve the problems now. I can self-soothe. If I'm feeling angsty I get out of the house. If I have nowhere to go, I run or walk the dog. If I'm tired of housework I apply for jobs. If I'm tired of sitting and applying for jobs, I make something with my hands. I have solutions now.
...That was last week though. This week has been harder as my phone calls to friends go unanswered and I never seem to get job interviews in spite of the amazement that is my resume. I can't start my life until I get to a new city and I can't get to a new city until I have a job. I'm stuck. This feeling of being stuck is a lot like before - even if I've learned how to get out and am doing everything in my power to do so, I'm still stuck. Even if I know how to make changes in my life, the changes aren't drastic enough. I guess maybe I still have a lot to learn.
I think when they say "reverse culture shock" it's a little misleading. It definitely exists, but I'm not shocked by the people, the country, or the culture as I was when I first went to Japan. Now I already understand all of that, the kicker though is that I am shocked by how hard it is to find where I fit into it all.
Being back where I grew up, in my parents' house bored and unemployed in a small town it's hard not to feel like I'm all the way back where I started. Same problems, same frustrations, same fears. It all feels the same? Am I the same?
What's so terrifying about being the same?
It's awful to feel like after years of hard work and emotional growth (and struggle), you're still back at square one like none of it ever happened.
Then again, even if I'm dealing with the same problems, I have different answers. Actually, the distinction is that I HAVE answers at all. I spent the summer months between university years doing nothing and feeling uninspired and inexplicably anxious. Later, in the months before I went to Japan I was pretty much in the same boat but this time I recognized the root of the problems - I just didn't know how to fix them.
But no, things aren't really the same. They're different now. My thinking is different now. I may be in the same place but I HAVE grown and I HAVE learned and I've brought those things back with me. I know how to solve the problems now. I can self-soothe. If I'm feeling angsty I get out of the house. If I have nowhere to go, I run or walk the dog. If I'm tired of housework I apply for jobs. If I'm tired of sitting and applying for jobs, I make something with my hands. I have solutions now.
...That was last week though. This week has been harder as my phone calls to friends go unanswered and I never seem to get job interviews in spite of the amazement that is my resume. I can't start my life until I get to a new city and I can't get to a new city until I have a job. I'm stuck. This feeling of being stuck is a lot like before - even if I've learned how to get out and am doing everything in my power to do so, I'm still stuck. Even if I know how to make changes in my life, the changes aren't drastic enough. I guess maybe I still have a lot to learn.
I think when they say "reverse culture shock" it's a little misleading. It definitely exists, but I'm not shocked by the people, the country, or the culture as I was when I first went to Japan. Now I already understand all of that, the kicker though is that I am shocked by how hard it is to find where I fit into it all.
September 14th, 2011 - Part 3
Sep. 14th, 2011 10:48 pmThe other day I had to take a little walk in the midst of a coffee shop excursion because I'm awesome and so good at remembering to lock the car (even if the purse and keys are also in there by accident). My brother was working less than a mile away so I decided to walk on by and see if I couldn't borrow his cell phone to call Mom.
It just happened to be 3:00 as I walked past the parochial junior high and it was kind of cool to see American kids all over. It was even cooler because it was one of those days I dressed to the 9's in order to make myself feel better about going to a coffee shop to apply for jobs on the internet. So here I was, walking down the street all 5'10" of me in my bigass sunglasses and short red dress. I could see girls trying to look cool with their friends as I passed and boys turning around to steal glances as they walked in front of me. The thing about kids, though, is that they lack the social awareness to tell them when they're being convincing and when their intentions are clear as day. It was fun to look at their faces and know they were thinking, "Who is that woman? She looks fancy." I walked taller and smiled more gracefully, trying not to disappoint.
Before you scold me for patting myself on the back too hard, let me say that anyone not wearing a hoodie in this town looks important.
It just happened to be 3:00 as I walked past the parochial junior high and it was kind of cool to see American kids all over. It was even cooler because it was one of those days I dressed to the 9's in order to make myself feel better about going to a coffee shop to apply for jobs on the internet. So here I was, walking down the street all 5'10" of me in my bigass sunglasses and short red dress. I could see girls trying to look cool with their friends as I passed and boys turning around to steal glances as they walked in front of me. The thing about kids, though, is that they lack the social awareness to tell them when they're being convincing and when their intentions are clear as day. It was fun to look at their faces and know they were thinking, "Who is that woman? She looks fancy." I walked taller and smiled more gracefully, trying not to disappoint.
Before you scold me for patting myself on the back too hard, let me say that anyone not wearing a hoodie in this town looks important.
September 14th, 2011 - Part 4
Sep. 14th, 2011 10:57 pmOn my locked-out jaunt the other day, I also came upon a couple standing with their bicycles on opposite sides of the sidewalk. She was clearly berating him for some failure on his share of parental responsibilities and by the things she was saying I assume there's some divorce lawyer backing it up. They looked like normal middle class people - just face to face, arguing on the sidewalk.
I thought about my options but there was no way I could get around them on either side. I had to go between them. I suppose they were asking to be interrupted, firstly by arguing in public, secondly by claiming opposite sides of the sidewalk. Had they been on the same side I could have just swung it wide and pretended not to hear. I said excuse me in a small voice, hunched a little, and rushed through. She paused. He made a point of saying hello to me like nothing was wrong.
I'd go so far as to say most people in the U.S. wouldn't do this. The thing that got me, though, was that they were two very average looking people. They could have been your parents or mine and they really seemed not to think it was a big deal. I got to thinking about whether something like this would happen in Japan. It wouldn't, but not necessarily because people are above fighting about divorce or even fighting in public. Maybe they would be ashamed of strangers knowing their business, or maybe they would rather run than have any discussion at all in public or in private. It's really hard to say what drives any person, no matter the culture.
I thought about my options but there was no way I could get around them on either side. I had to go between them. I suppose they were asking to be interrupted, firstly by arguing in public, secondly by claiming opposite sides of the sidewalk. Had they been on the same side I could have just swung it wide and pretended not to hear. I said excuse me in a small voice, hunched a little, and rushed through. She paused. He made a point of saying hello to me like nothing was wrong.
I'd go so far as to say most people in the U.S. wouldn't do this. The thing that got me, though, was that they were two very average looking people. They could have been your parents or mine and they really seemed not to think it was a big deal. I got to thinking about whether something like this would happen in Japan. It wouldn't, but not necessarily because people are above fighting about divorce or even fighting in public. Maybe they would be ashamed of strangers knowing their business, or maybe they would rather run than have any discussion at all in public or in private. It's really hard to say what drives any person, no matter the culture.