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June 24th, 2011
Jun. 24th, 2011 11:04 amJackie and Antoine just arrived last night and already I feel different.
I was having trouble picturing them here, even though they've been here before. They even took the same flight I always take and I'm quite familiar with the travel process and they even kept me up-to-date as they progressed. Still, I couldn't picture it.
I think it was more an issue of how I feel about myself and my life while I'm here, and how I'm made to feel whatever the environment dictates. I couldn't really reconcile this uncertain, hesitant, lifestyle with the lifestyle that usually includes my best friend. Not having people around to bounce judgments and ideas off of makes a big difference, so suddenly adding confidants into the picture changes the whole game.
But like I said, since they stepped off the bus I feel like a different person. Suddenly I am realizing how capable I am at Japanese and life in Japan, in spite of all the whining and doubt I do when I'm alone.
I suddenly feel like I have value, as well. Today I am sure beyond the shadow of a doubt that people (Jackie and Antoine in particular) care about me and what I think. Not to make assumptions or overshoot my worth in other people's eyes, but in general I can just feel it in the fact that I am not being dismissed. I am trusted. We haven't had any sort of deep conversations or really talked about anything but my apartment, their trip, and the current state of our work lives, and even still I feel that much more legitimate as a human being. There's a closeness there and it changes how I feel about the rest of the day's events.
I haven't really figured out what the root of this feeling is. Is it just something innate that comes from knowing someone so well and having them around, no matter what is actually said or done? Or does it come from the other angle, like maybe I don't put as much stock in how people feel about me here because it's all so transient. Or maybe it's because things like living abroad or like work often turn into contests, which means working abroad is the mother of all contests and everyone has something to prove.
I don't know what it is, but I do know that it makes me more and more certain that my life in Japan would be very different if I had someone here to share it with. For starters, I would be a lot less crazy. Also, I would be less striken with guilt and doubt. I've been happy, there's no doubt of that, but how happy could I have been and how much longer could I have stayed if I didn't have the constant stress and panic and without even the momentary reprive of consulting a partner? If I could have lived the last two years feeling as confident and respected as I've felt on this visit, I think my problems would be much fewer.
I was having trouble picturing them here, even though they've been here before. They even took the same flight I always take and I'm quite familiar with the travel process and they even kept me up-to-date as they progressed. Still, I couldn't picture it.
I think it was more an issue of how I feel about myself and my life while I'm here, and how I'm made to feel whatever the environment dictates. I couldn't really reconcile this uncertain, hesitant, lifestyle with the lifestyle that usually includes my best friend. Not having people around to bounce judgments and ideas off of makes a big difference, so suddenly adding confidants into the picture changes the whole game.
But like I said, since they stepped off the bus I feel like a different person. Suddenly I am realizing how capable I am at Japanese and life in Japan, in spite of all the whining and doubt I do when I'm alone.
I suddenly feel like I have value, as well. Today I am sure beyond the shadow of a doubt that people (Jackie and Antoine in particular) care about me and what I think. Not to make assumptions or overshoot my worth in other people's eyes, but in general I can just feel it in the fact that I am not being dismissed. I am trusted. We haven't had any sort of deep conversations or really talked about anything but my apartment, their trip, and the current state of our work lives, and even still I feel that much more legitimate as a human being. There's a closeness there and it changes how I feel about the rest of the day's events.
I haven't really figured out what the root of this feeling is. Is it just something innate that comes from knowing someone so well and having them around, no matter what is actually said or done? Or does it come from the other angle, like maybe I don't put as much stock in how people feel about me here because it's all so transient. Or maybe it's because things like living abroad or like work often turn into contests, which means working abroad is the mother of all contests and everyone has something to prove.
I don't know what it is, but I do know that it makes me more and more certain that my life in Japan would be very different if I had someone here to share it with. For starters, I would be a lot less crazy. Also, I would be less striken with guilt and doubt. I've been happy, there's no doubt of that, but how happy could I have been and how much longer could I have stayed if I didn't have the constant stress and panic and without even the momentary reprive of consulting a partner? If I could have lived the last two years feeling as confident and respected as I've felt on this visit, I think my problems would be much fewer.
